#3 Killer the pitbull

Dear Dog Owner,
I have written this letter to convey my sincere request for resignation as your pet. Please accept my apologies but I must leave. The conditions you make me live in would not be fit for a dung beetle. My leash is shorter than my very own tail and my dog house is smaller than a chihuahua. You feed me soft food from a tuna can! I am a pit bull for goodness sakes!!! We live in Ontario which, as a province, has the worst weather in the country and you make me live outside!!! This isn't exactly a federal offense but you could at least let me in when it's hailing!

Angrily yours, Killer the pit bull

#2 Wii controller

Dear Obese child,
Get off that couch and work soldier! You can't even do a push-up, let alone a double kick-flip on a skateboard! Half the stuff you do in these video games isn't even possible! Get outside and do something already! Ride a real skateboard for once or go for a walk or play a REAL GAME!!! Yes, I know, I'm awesome and I'm totally wireless, but you seriously need to get a life.

Sincerely, Wii Controller

Your Choice, role: Soccer player Audience: Soccer ball Topic: Please get in the back of the net!

Dear Soccer Ball,

Please get in the back of the net! I know you think it hurts when I kick you, but you should really be thankful you're not a rugby ball! They get kicked, thrown, tackled, and punted through mud and other nameless slime that dominates a rugby pitch. Besides, it's not like it's a hard landing! You're either caught by the keeper and land in soft leather gloves or you are get caught in a net like a trapeze artist. In all honesty, you have a pretty good life!

Sincerely, Soccer Player