Blory #4

Once in the land of Land, there lived a very romantic and lovey-dovey prince whose name was Softie. He had never played sports or done any manly things, he wore make-up and his bedroom was painted pink. His favorite animals were Unicorns and his favorite colour was pink. Anyway, one day there was a knock on the castle door, (they were too poor to afford a draw-bridge), and in walked a Heathen prince from the Nordic Isles. "I have come to challenge your honor"! He cried, and the Prince promptly wet himself. After the prince had changed his pants, the two Princes fought to the death. Eventually the Nord tripped on a rock and impailled himself on a sapling and the Prince lived happily ever after.

A Box of Socks by William Knox

In the town of Snocks in the region of Spocks the people are usually awoken by clocks. But on the third day of Crocks, (a holiday in Snocks), the people were awoken by thousands of knocks. Knocks not clocks woke the people of Snocks. Knocks on door and knocks on the docks woke the men and women and children of Snocks. When all of the Snocks had heard the knocks, all their doors they did open to find a large box. A box for each Snock and a box for each knock as they opened the door on the third day of Crocks. The boxes were opened by the Snockses that day. They opened the boxes and the Snockses hoorayed! In the boxes the Snockses found three other boxes. You are wondering now why the Snockses hoorayed!?! Because in the region of Spockses there was a shortage of boxes.

Race to Mars: a futuristic compilation of fiction written by Alonso Mercredi

Our story takes place shortly after World War Three which includes the destruction of all 1st world countries. It is a long story so here is the gist of it. America, who was crippled by its need for oil as well as its undying infatuation with automobiles, declared war on Canada, who had found huge oil reserves in newly acquired Alaska. This brought the whole weight of the English Commonwealth, (minus Australia who chose to side with The States), on top of the Americans heads. Quite literally in fact, as the war soon turned nuclear. Russian and Asiatic countries were soon dragged into the mix causing more and more confusion. Although there were many interesting facts about this war, (such as the Dakotan and Minnesotan silos refusing to fire at their neighbors to the North), the most outlandish would have to be the fact that the entire war, including the South American skirmishes, were well over in the span of 7 days. At this point in time Both North American and Soviet , (Russia is now a region in northern Asia split into mini states all under the NUSSR New United Soviet Socialists Republic) had established bases on the moon and surrounding asteroids, (such asteroids were left over from the explosion of Venus, 37 years prior to the war), and were planning to launch "Mars Landers" within the next decade. It seems folly to put all this effort forth just to be able to say that their country had the first man on Mars when the Earth was in such a state, but the countries, (Zimbabwe, Egypt, Kazakhstan, and Lithuania) were not even planning to man these landers because in 2032, America, (in partnership with Australia), sent an unmanned probe to Mars. It was a routine mission and was programmed to take simple soil samples on Mars' Polar icecap. The probe found that the polar ice only went 2.5 centimeters into the ground after wich started an immense cavity of oil, thrice the size of New York city. The purpose of the race to Mars was for oil and nothing else.

The Parisian Incident: A Novel by Fernando Vendredi

It was a dark and stormy evening in the French capital and some of the less adventurous tourists were running for cover and hailing cabs. None of them suspected they were being watched. One does not ponder such things in heavy rain, especially not in the romance capital of the world. Prowlers do not hunt the streets of Paris, the tourists think, Paris is a dream of a city that cannot in any stretch of the human mind be associated with crime. Little did they know, however, that were being watched. Or perhaps, scanned, is a more relevant word. Yes, the chaotic crowd was being scanned. The prowler was looking for something. A face seems the most likely object of his search. Suddenly, from the dark alley in which he hid, a terrifying and yet slightly curious thing happened. Just as the last tourist had rounded a corner, the prowler's eyes lit up. A man, dressed in warm clothing, walked right passed the prowler. The hunt was on. The shady figure rose from his crouch, stealthy as panther, and began to silently stalk his prey. His movements were cat-like in execution but also strangely cautious, as if he was afraid his quarry would turn and attack at any moment. This behavior is not the norm for such "criminals" and so the general understanding of this man's motives change exponentially. Mentally, he systematically assesses his prey. Slight bulge on left side. Probably a firearm, most likely a 45mm. Glock by the size and shape. So, what is an American made gun doing in Paris? Also, a piece of paper (envelope ?) pokes out of his coat pocket. Beads of rain water are collected on his jacket, suggesting a water-proof material. He also wears black leather gloves. All this is processed in his mind in the time it takes to snap your fingers. He silently pulls a small dagger from his belt and quickens his pace. He pulls a small white hankerchief out of his shirt pocket, and, as he walks up behind the man, slips it over his victim's mouth to muffle the scream as he slips the dagger expertly in between the ribs, right through the center of his heart. Before a drop of blood could be spilled on the emaculate Parisian sidewalk, the assassin has dragged the lifeless form into a dumpster, but not before taking the envelope and gun out of his coat pocket. The whole incident takes about 15 seconds. As the man's dark figure slowly walks of into the distance we here the almost unintelligible sound of singing coming from the bar across the street.

WOW

Dear user,

We are sorry to inform you that our WOW servers have all just been hacked. I know what you're thinking, "this is just some joke that Iain is playing again" but saddly, it's true. We thought our servers were generally unhackable but not everything is perfect. On the upside, no cash refunds!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! We are disappointed that the game has come to an end but you can still buy the t-shirts and if you already own like 50 (freak) their value just went up 50,0000%. so have fun with that. Oh, and the hacker himself wrote a book on how he hacked it so you can teach your sister to hack Webkinz or something.

Sincerely,

those guys that own WOW

Dear McDonald's,
I would like to make a complaint. My burger yesterday was ice cold and my drink was the opposite. Besides the temperature, it also tasted like fish. If I wanted fish I would have bought fish. If this problem continues I will have no choice but to go to Wendy's instead.

Dear Toronto,
In the past couple of years you have done nothing but intentionally belittle me in front of the other cities. You have made me the laughing stock of the GTA. I have received nothing from you but a cold shoulder and maybe, if I'm lucky, a snide remark. This feud between us must end. So I will be the bigger city (excuse the expression) and ask you to be my friend.

Sincerely yours, Oakville